Taking Time

If you follow me on social media then you’re probably already aware that talking about mental health is something that I do a lot, for a few reasons. It’s a way for me to be accountable to myself, it’s a way for me to play my part in dismantling the stigma around mental health issues, and it’s a way for people to get to know me better. I live with depression, and anxiety and a bunch of other stuff that I’m still figuring out. I’m as much of an open book as is safely possible online, it’s not always the smartest thing or the most advantegeous tactic to wear your heart so visibly on your sleeve but I genuinely don’t know any other way to be.

The danger with that, and something that I come across quite a bit, is that it’s very easy to let yourself collect all the dirt, dust, noise, grime and muck that comes with exposing yourself to the trauma and pain of other people. I like to help people, it’s something that I’m good at and something that I enjoy however it doesn’t mean I can do it all the time. A car’s sole purpose is to be driven, but it can’t go anywhere without gas in the tank. The same is true for me.

Over the last few days I’ve been speaking to people, primarily women, on Twitter who have come forward about their stories of sexual assault and abuse at the hands of others. I felt compelled to talk about my own history of being in a controlling and abusive relationship, as well as the experiences I have had with men who have gaslight me, taken advantage of me, groped me, abused me, tried to destroy me. It was an empowering moment to do that and I don’t regret it. HOWEVER.

It was a bit like turning on a tap that got stuck, and I found myself unable put all that damage back into the box I had packed it away in. What happened to me isn’t comparable to some of the horrific and life changing trauma that so many women have come forward with, and I stand with them and believe them implicitly. But what happened to me still happened to me, and all of that pain and hurt and anger has come rushing back.

I know it’s incredibly privileged to be able to take a step back and say that I can’t engage with this right now, but I can’t. I just can’t. I’m not able to win battles if I don’t have the mental energy to fight them. My day job is dealing with people who are in pain and experiencing crisis and delayed trauma, I qualified as a counsellor so I could be better at that. I’m not sure how much of my free time I can commit to doing that to. If I am to be an effective and productive advocate for people who can’t do that for themselves then I need to set boundaries for myself, and stick to them.

I haven’t been sleeping much, I have been eating nothing but shitty junk foods and drinking inordinate amounts of coffee. I take baths almost every night because I can’t settle my mind and put a halt to the endless peleton of negative thoughts, stressful images and hurtful memories that I thought I had dealt with. The guilt of reporting the guy who groped me, the shame of not leaving my abusive ex sooner, the regret that I spent so much time trying to pacify a man who didn’t love me whilst my father was dying in hospital. All those things are bouncing around in my head and I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful for me to let other people’s trauma join that cacophony in my head. I’m nit built to be resilient or strong or get on with things — I find it incredibly difficult to be rational and not emotive and non-judgemental with myself. I put myself under an extreme amount of pressure to succeed, to be happy, to be mindful and to carry the world’s problems on my shoulders.

I just can’t do that any longer. I know myself well enough to know when it’s time to get off the merry-go-round before I fall off. I’ve been there, and I am never going back.

This is the first thing I’ve been able to write in almost 3 months, which for a writer is incredibly frustrating and damaging to my self-esteem, but I needed to say this. To myself, if nobody else.

I’ll be taking a couple of weeks away from Twitter, I might be back and I might not, but please know that I am okay and that I will be okay.

Love, Stephen x